writing is hard

And it’s even harder when you work a 9-5 in which you spend in front of a computer all day wondering “what random crap can I look up on the internet today?” and you come home and the last thing you want to do is stare at another computer screen. But here I am because it’s post Valentine’s Day and I’m sure you guys know what that means.

To be honest, most days at work I spend browsing Craigslist missed connections and damn I’ve learned a lot. Apparently Fort Collins has a glory hole?* Those still exist? And to the guy who’s wondering why there’s not enough traffic at “the local glory hole,” I’m going to find that glory hole and stick my vagina in there. Or get some other girl to do it. Hopefully he doesn’t have mouth herpes but considering a guy who is literally sitting in a bathroom stall waiting to suck some dick, the odds may be never in his favor when it comes to acquiring herpes. And why do guys get all the glory? I find this incredibly sexist.

Also I found where to buy TruckNutz (actually spelled like that on the official website), that cell phone use while driving is legal in Colorado (except texting), and peanut butter and pickle sandwiches are a commonly prepared sandwich in some sick part of this universe that I don’t want to know where or who or why. Same thing with peanut butter and mayo. You people on the internet sicken me.

So how did my Valentine’s Day go? Well, better than last year, but not as good as the year before in which I ran a mile in my underwear under the influence of redbull and vodka to raise money for children’s cancer. There is internet evidence of this.

Why did it go well? I think we can start with the fact that I’m not dating a sociopath who convinced me to eat a lamb burger and told me my blog doesn’t make sense like the DC metro (really, Blob, the DC metro still doesn’t make sense to me). See last year’s post.

Instead, I realized that Sweet D and I know each other too well superficially (that’s the word I was looking for last night, D, just FYI). I can order a pizza without even asking him what he wants on it (pepperoni and pineapple), I always know what he wants to watch on Netflix (Scrubs or whatever he happens to be binge watching), and I know that if I get up to go to the bathroom mid-Netflix, he wants me to grab him another cookie while I’m up (I’m a good girlfriend and made him non-vegan peanut butter cookies). And of course, he asked me if I wanted to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Well, duh. It’s Valentine’s Day. Sometimes just knowing these seemingly superficial things about your significant other can actually make you realize that you do legitimately care about someone. Also when D is being too quiet for no reason at all, he has to pee (sorry D, but you know that I know it’s true).

I also know he hates my alarm. It’s okay. I think most people would be aggravated by hearing Heat of the Moment every day at 7am but how else am I supposed to wake up in the morning? No apologies. And “sober as a gopher” is code for “I’m drunk.” I guess I just spilled all my boyfriend’s secrets on the internet (not all, but a good amount). Not sorry, D, you’re just too cute even when I slather face product all over your face while you’re sleeping and you wake up to your face being super red and irritated. I should really stop attacking my boyfriend with overpriced face products as my own personal experiment.

Writing is hard when the only thing you have to talk about is the weird shit you found on Craigslist that day.

*to you innocent souls who don’t know what a “glory hole” is, here’s all that urban dictionary can tell you about glory holes.

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all that and a pint of ice cream and bottle of wine

The blog hiatus is still pretty real. To be honest, I thought this was the end of my Wallflower Waterfall blog journey. After scrolling through all my social media accounts after the inauguration, I realized (as much as I really do care about it) that I don’t want to see all this stuff clogging up my newsfeed. And besides that, since it seemed that that was all that people wanted to read and write about, who would want to read my blog in which I completely avoid talking about politics?

The answer, I found, was still a handful of people. So I’ll keep writing for you guys, but you’re gonna have to look hard for it amongst all the political rants and articles that are probably clogging up your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram pages as well. And for that, you all will get a lot of virtual hugs and maybe cookies if you live near me (I guess we’re back to the cookie bribery). Also, I realized that as of next week, I will have had this blog for a year.  Definitely baking cookies for myself. And because next week is Valentine’s Day and I’m sure you all know how much I LOVE Valentine’s Day … queue sarcasm. See last year’s post numero uno and the Valentine’s Day follow-up of post #2. For the record, my mind is still like the DC metro (see the second post). I also totally take back what I said about teddy bears and all the cheesy Valentine’s Day crap. I fucking love flowers and those stupid little heart shaped boxes of chocolate. But only good chocolate. None of that Russell Stover excuse for “chocolate.”

I guess this year probably won’t be much different besides the fact that I’m not dating a sociopath, but vegan Ben & Jerry’s, wine and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind will probably still be in the mix. I really don’t know why Valentine’s Day always gets me down. Every year, I watch Eternal Sunshine to remind myself that people come and go, and life can continue on regardless. Yesterday, the tattoo itch kicked in so badly that I sat through six hours of getting my entire left side of my torso tattooed with the quote from the movie. It’s been six months since my last tattoo. And since it’s close to Valentine’s Day, I only felt it was appropriate:

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How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d                      -Alexander Pope

If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll get it. If not, well I just planned your Valentine’s Day for you.

A spotless mind, one that is untainted, and innocent. Eternal light lives in the minds of the innocent. But are they happy not knowing?

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I guess we’ve all felt like this at some point. I thought this would be me this year. But second chances are always a thing. Sometimes even third and fourth chances if somehow it’ll seem worth it. But who am I to talk about relationship advice. I mean come on, I dated a sociopath for over half a year.

But disclaimer? I’ve actually been binge watching the Twilight series. 50 Shades of Grey will be on the queue for later. And then back to the beautiful tragedy that is the eternal sunshine.

 

that time my cat decided to sit on my head while I was kidnapping him

So, it’s valentine’s day. Or, as I mentioned in my previous post, “Single’s Awareness Day” (Thank you, big sis). So instead I have a bottle of really cute prosecco that I totally bought because the bottle was cute (who can resist a good label on a wine bottle? It has “I love you” in like, 15 different languages all over it with little cartoon people holding hands and heart shaped balloons), my cat, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, my new vegan Ben and Jerrys, and maybe I’ll just wear my sexy Victoria’s Secret teddy BECAUSE I CAN. It’s not like I’m getting laid or anything but there’s nothing wrong with owning completely useless lingerie.*

On a more serious note, Valentine’s Day is pretty lame. As Joel in Eternal Sunshine says (the Jim Carrey character, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about and you’re single on this day, then grab your bottle of red wine or whatever it is that you have and watch it because it’s totally a depressing Valentine’s Day movie for single people. But we’ll pretend that the entire world has seen it anyway), “Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.” Yeah, this is pretty true. Restaurants, greeting card companies, even fucking GIANT and every major grocery store commercializes Valentine’s Day in such a way that it’s like HEY SHARE THIS DAY WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM THIS USELESS TEDDY BEAR THAT SAYS “LOVE ME” OR SINGS SOME STUPID SONG AND THESE FLOWERS THAT ARE UNNATURALLY BRIGHT PINK. Nothing says “I love you” like a giant teddy bear. Except that that is kind of true because I have one and it’s the most cuddly thing ever. Besides my cat.** But anyway, Valentine’s Day, to me, is more of a reminder that humans are capable or even experiencing such a strong emotion. I mean, dolphins are one of the only other mammals that have sex for fun (how does that even work? I’ve watched dolphins at the aquarium and it literally makes no sense to me and it’s also all I can think about when I see them ever since I learned that. Dolphin sex. Think about that for a second.), so it’s amazing that as a species, we can are capable of having this strong feeling of “love,” as well as “hate” and everything in between. Sure, some of the “love” we feel is not real attachment as much as passion, but attraction is a strong emotion as well. The brain is really weird sometimes. Like you know how when you meet someone you like for the first time and it’s like fireworks are going off in your head and there’s little kittens in can-can skirts dancing around and there’s literally sparkles coming out of the other person’s eyes and you’re pretty sure that the sun is actually shining out of their ass? That feeling. Initial attraction (I still don’t understand the “sun shining out of their ass” part but I know it’s a phrase I’ve heard before. It anatomically makes no sense, just saying). To an extent, I believe that to be some sort of “love.” And even if you just have a too many cocktails together, have really weird sex (but really really GOOD sex) and have to leave at 3am because you’re having a panic attack, that first attraction felt amazing didn’t it?***

Oh, but you’re probably wondering about the title of this post as I have not addressed it at all and I’m already 700 words into this post. There’s not much to that story as much as that is what happened to me today when I picked up my cat from my mom’s house and he decided that the headrest on my seat was more comfortable than sitting in a real seat. I love him, but seriously, Dexter Morgan, will I wake up wrapped in plastic wrap tomorrow morning? Please don’t kill me. I love you.****

Ok, I guess I should engage in Valentine’s Day shenanigans with the boyfriend even though I have reminded him three times today (not that I’m counting) that today is Valentine’s Day. At least I have my 2 boyfriends named Ben and Jerry for later.

*ok, I’m not really single. My boyfriend is here cooking me dinner. But he’s leaving in a couple hours because he’s that weird idiot that wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and goes to bed at 9pm like an old person. Ok, I’m joking. Except not. He’s totally an old person. Love you babe. You probably won’t read this anyway even though you’re 3 feet away from me right now. Or maybe you will. And then I’m sorry. Thanks for making me dinner.

**He’s not really that cuddly. He totally could be because he has the fuzziest belly and he’s so cute but instead he likes to sit in the corner and stare at me and sometimes groom my head with his rough cat tongue. I find this quite affectionate. Unless it’s 5am and it’s a “FEED ME NOW HUMAN” reminder that my alarm is going off.

***that’s a true story. No details necessary. Why did I do this sub note anyway?

**** a love of cats is the most real love there is and I’m not even a crazy cat lady. Not really. I only have one.