how to be human

Story time! And then some.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor to get my meds refilled. Finding a psychiatrist out here has been impossible. So, basically, this doctor thinks I’m insane. I had to answer all the normal questions of what allergies I have, what medications I’m currently on, any recent hospitalizations, medical history etc etc.

Doc: “So.. you know that klonopin is not meant to be drug used for long term use, right? How long have you been on it?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, duh, my short term memory is shot. I’ve been on it for over 4 years.”

Doc: “….have you ever tried anything else?”

Me: “Zoloft, lexapro, celexa, lithium, trileptal, lamictal, welbutrin, xanax, buspar, abilify, risperidone, effexor, cymbalta, aaaanddddd…. pristiq?”

Doc: “……………..”

Me: “Oh, and ritalin, adderall, concerta, and focalin.”

Doc: “And your diagnosis is…?” *queue the look of utter confusion*

Me: “Something between general anxiety disorder and Bipolar 1 and possibly borderline personality disorder.” Continue reading “how to be human”

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that time I fell asleep in a field and made friends with a 15 year old girl

That actually did happen. And at least it was the field of a music festival and I was just listening to whatever was playing. That’s acceptable at a music fest, right? Everyone was placing bets on how many bottles of wine I would go through throughout the 5 day affair and my answer is this: 1 bottle in one night. But only one night. That’s like, a record for me. So go me for kicking alcoholism?

But I haven’t kicked my other problems apparently. Why do we always settle for the people we know are not right for us? Well, I’ll tell you why. Human kind is a desperate species. We are always seeking companionship. If the person comes off as not creepy and for the most part nice, then yeah you only see all the good parts in them… and then the honeymoon phase ends and everything they say and do gets to every nerve ending in your body. The emotions become overwhelming and you try to fix them to be the way you thought they were, but the truth is you can’t change anyone else but yourself.

I guess I could have seen that coming. Here’s my advice: if you are an emotionally unstable person and have a tendency to lash out at the people closest to you, don’t hang out with borderline sociopaths. Granted, I’ve had my fair share of feeling like a sociopath when I was not completely integrated because all of my emotions were stored in other personalities. But now that it’s one big part of personalities integrated in my brain, “emotionally stable” is not in my vocabulary. After going so long without emotions, once they come back, you’re not sure what to do with them. It’s like being thrown a bicycle and being instructed to ride it and you’ve never learned how. I guess that’s what changed: I started having emotions, and having no idea what to do with them, I threw them in the face of someone who’s close to me and is completely not used to it. But the truth is, I’m not completely integrated because Alice keeps running away (hence my lack of mania in the past month, and then transitioning for the first time in a month on the last day of the music festival).

It’s not like I’m not trying. It’s overwhelming and I have no idea where to start sorting through how to feel, embrace, and behave accordingly with the emotions I was once lacking. And with that, I managed to push a lot of people out of my life because they can’t understand it. I’ll take the blame for that one, but I won’t apologize for having this problem. I can apologize for the way I act. I just kept ignoring how I was acting and not addressing what the real problem was. I still don’t know what the problem is. But step 1? Be selfless, be kind, and when someone doesn’t know how to handle me, tell them what I need instead of shutting down.

I want to get better. I want to stop crying everyday for no reason. I want to have the energy to be a better person. I want to believe that I will move past all of this. Moving cross country won’t cure me, and I know that. I want to be able to stop apologizing for what happened last night/yesterday/last week/a few hours ago/a minute ago. And most importantly, I want to stop regretting everything. I can wish I didn’t do a lot of things, but it doesn’t matter now because the only direction to go is forward.

You may call it in this evening
But you’ve only lost the night
Present all your pretty feelings
May they comfort you tonight
And I’m climbing over something
And I’m running through these walls
I don’t even know if I believe
– 
mumford & sons

that time my coworker accidentally broom raped me

Got ya. I totally just wanted to use that as my title because I told him that I would. Shout out to Mik for playing it cool. Mostly. Shout out to me for keeping it togeth-hold up. I don’t think sitting on the floor tearing up from laughing is keeping it together. It’s ok though, guys. Now I know that rape CAN be an accident. And that broom handles and vaginas do not go well together. That’s probably how IUDs get dislodged. Moving on.

24 hours later, I’m finally lucid. I finally have my body back. Most of the time, my dominant alternate personality, Alice, only sticks around for roughly 4 to 5 hours, which is just enough time to do a lot of damage and then fuck off when she doesn’t want to deal with the damage she’s caused and leaves me exhausted and often high and dry. So try 24 hours of that. I checked my phone and it wasn’t pretty. Dammit, Alice, I even password protected my phone because of you! So I guess that doesn’t work on alternate personalities that have your memories? Identity theft taken to another level.

Being the manic and kind of your worst nightmare psycho girlfriend type is exhausting. Transitioning into another person is just weird. For me, it’s more of a depersonalization because I was there the whole time, but it’s like being behind a sound and bulletproof piece of glass and watching your life happen how someone else would play it out. The other weird part is that she is strong enough that she knows my entire life. She even knows how to do my job, which is convenient (because damn, I made out good serving today and I didn’t have to do a thing or somehow get my shift covered), but she is an awful human being. Maybe kind of misunderstood, but awful. Alice didn’t have to keep sneaking really terrible notes to Blob about wanting to take a bunch of xanax and calling him a sociopath repeatedly. He knows he’s a sociopath. And I do not want to end up in the hospital again. But here I am, thankfully with no pills in my system, at home and somehow I think I managed to stay sober the whole time (someone correct me if I’m wrong). I’m sorry Blob.

Alice is like a drug. When I’m Alice, I am unstoppable-

holy mother of jesus fuck.

Excuse my language.

I think I had my first bipolar manic episode. Back to diagnosis square one.