2017: the year of applying to Hogwarts while being an adult under a stack of pillows

Well, hey there 2017. I was going to post yesterday but I got too stuck in the black hole of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE AND IM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. I spent most of the day in bed. And eating. And continuing to ponder my life choices. But for real, I actually did give up drinking as my New Years resolution and so far I’m about 36 hours in. I’m doing okay. Now onto bigger things.

After the 50-something jobs I’ve applied for and 15 or more interviews I’ve gone to, I’ve realized how soul sucking all of these dead-end jobs are so maybe 2017 is the year I decide to crawl out of the hole of soul sucking retail and food service jobs and be a big girl. And apply for grad school. To do something. Like, writing? Why do I have to go to school for that when it’s something I already do? Oh yeah, your name means nothing with out a Ph.D or M.S./M.A. next to it. So okay, step 1: school research. FOUND SOME AWESOME ONES….

Oh yeah. The GRE. My recurring nightmare. Continue reading “2017: the year of applying to Hogwarts while being an adult under a stack of pillows”

Advertisements

2016: The Unnecessarily Heated Debate

I really don’t like posting statuses on Facebook that are controversial. Mostly because I avoid arguments like the plague, and some people just get way too angry about it and then post unnecessary comments under it like “MY FAMILY WAS MURDERED BY HARAMBE.” Or, you know, something like that, because everyone has that one friend on Facebook with completely uncalled for and unfactual opinions that they post just to prove a point. I get it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

But yesterday I finally got so fed up with everyone posting about 2016 and how they can’t wait for it to be over. And it got me thinking. I’m pretty sure everyone said the same thing about 2015 too. And 2014. So I posted this status:

img_2946

I mean, for real guys, if everyone in 1348 had Facebook, imagine those statuses at the end of the year. “Well, everyone, the black death has doth taken my entire family and most of my friends, leaving me alone in poverty. I resign myself from 1348 and will spend this New Years Eve in prayer that 1349 will bring us abundance and joy.” Or however they talked in 1348. I’m not really sure. But that year had to really suck. Continue reading “2016: The Unnecessarily Heated Debate”

But home is nowhere

I went home for the first time since moving to Colorado. And it was weird. I didn’t want to leave. I guess that’s a story for another post because really I want to post what I wrote while I was there. I thought about changing up my whole blog completely and handwriting everything, scanning it, and then uploading it as an image because handwritten writings are a lost art. But, I’m kind of computer incompetent, impatient and also lazy so I’ll just have to stick with typing until my fingers fall off.

This writes more like a diary entry, but I’m ok with that. Let’s start with what I had written prior to the writing I was planning on posting from a couple months ago when I had just moved here. Continue reading “But home is nowhere”

Graduating from college is actually terrible/I decided to uncreatively change up my blog titles/Uncreatively is totally a word because I used it

Hey guys, it’s been a while. Over a month actually. I’ve been kind of avoiding doing this because my complete lack of creativity and humor is not exactly great for writing a post that people want to read.

But can we go back to that “post college depression” thing? Yeah, it’s getting more real. I finally got approved to graduate and it was one of the most anticlimactic things I’ve heard in my life. 5 years of blood, sweat and tears (mostly tears) and here’s an email saying “hey, you did it, good luck with getting a job with your degree that means absolutely nothing.” Let’s face it: you can’t do squat with a B.A. in Psychology. Congratulations, you know how to read articles and write papers. Continue reading “Graduating from college is actually terrible/I decided to uncreatively change up my blog titles/Uncreatively is totally a word because I used it”

that time I escaped a prairie storm and other West Coast/Mid West adventures

I finally made it to Colorado! Okay that was like 3 days ago. I got up at 3am on Saturday morning in Chicago after a 12 hour drive and booked it to Colorado which I knew would take me about 15 hours. Let me tell you: there is NOTHING in between Chicago and Fort Collins, Colorado.Except for the World’s Largest Truck Stop in Iowa:

IMG_1873
You could say he wasn’t very happy in Iowa either Continue reading “that time I escaped a prairie storm and other West Coast/Mid West adventures”

that time I wrote a blog post to stay awake in class

Guys, I’m literally falling asleep. I’m just writing so that I can stay awake. Help me. I’m trapped in a room that I’ve been in for the past 4 hours and I’m being forced to learn things.

Bed, I miss you. I’ll be there soon.

And yet I signed up for a 7:30am pure barre class tomorrow morning. Why do I do these things to myself? I only feel productive when I start doing the impossible. Like not sleep like a normal person then end up sleeping for 16 hours straight at the end of the week. Repeat the cycle.

I also kind of feel bad that I haven’t been posting as much as I have in the past. It’s been, what, 5 or 6 days since my last post? I have so much to talk about and yet nothing at all mostly because I’ve been starting to wonder if anyone actually cares.

So confession? I am not ready to move to Colorado. In a manic state, I completely jumped on the housing opportunity I found, and now that it’s become so real to the point where I can’t not go, I am fucking terrified. Cause first of all, there’s the drive. 24 hours in a car by myself (ok I’ll have Finn the rat with me, prepare thyself for pictures of Finn in different places across the United States. Like a garden gnome. But a live rat.) But I’m gonna need to stock up on some life changing cd’s to listen to because my car does not connect to my iPhone (hold on while I check the Apple store for fancy devices…..OK APPARENTLY ONE DOES NOT EXIST AND YOUR SITE IS STUPID SLOW). Hopefully Siri will also hold out for me on the way there so that I’m not stuck in the middle of Kansas chomping on corn and trying to hitchhike with a rat in tow. This is worst case scenario here, it’s worth thinking about. Like, if I were to end up hitchhiking, what things would I grab from my car and what would I leave? My ENTIRE LIFE is going to be in that car. I might leave my meds behind. I’ll probably take my 23rd birthday wine for sentimentality and a potential good weapon. And something to keep me calm (alcoholism at it’s finest that may or may not be left behind). But honestly I’d probably take my cast-iron skillet because that’s definitely a good weapon. You know. Just in case.

I think thinking of the worst case scenarios is what will keep me semi-sane. Blob broke it down for me when I was freaking out about everything I have to do before I leave (how does he manage to keep everything so simple? Nothing is complicated to him and I totally don’t understand it. It’s also nice knowing that he’s probably not reading this right now because he’s currently camping with his dog to contemplate his life. I expect a homeless man beard upon his return. Unless he actually just ran away and isn’t returning. Fine by me. I’m doing the same thing in August). So there is a lot to do but I think I’m just overthinking it. It’s also finals week. Granted, I have more time in my day now that I have an excuse to not wear makeup or make any real decisions about what I’m going to wear so that I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes. Finals week is amazing in this respect. And unlike all the freshman, sophomores, juniors and newbie seniors, I am a burned out super senior who does not give a shit and goes with the motto of “C’s get degrees.” I’m ok with this. I’ve been in school for 5 fucking years. I don’t even want this degree because I don’t want to use it unless it involves me working in a rat lab (aka not working, just playing with rats all day and maybe make them run through a maze so that I can confirm with my boss that rats whose hippocampus is intact can remember where the treat is in a maze).

But anyway, yes, I will blog along the way to Colorado. While it is 24 hours of driving that I could do in one shot, why not take my time getting out there and see some stuff? How many times in my life am I going to drive cross country? Might happen again, might not, so I’m going to treat this like I’m not going to do it again. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up all the way in the middle of Montana because why not? Okay, my sister lives there so maybe I’ll surprise visit her (not really a surprise if I’m writing this here). And I’m going to be doing all of this by myself. No, Blob is not coming with me. Everyone’s been asking me that and he will not be following me. He may end up on my end of the country at some point, but no one is holding their breath for it. It’s fine. People come and go, but life doesn’t stop for anybody.

Besides kayaking the entirety of the Chesapeake Bay in high school, this is probably the biggest adventure I’ve put myself into. This is my rabbit hole. My head will come with me, but what is down that rabbit hole? Who knows. I might not be the same person I am today. I’ll go from East Coast miserable Emily to West Coast……….Emily?? I might still be miserable and anxiety ridden and still end up hiding under my desk because all the voices in my head are telling me that’s the safest place to be right now. But I could be someone else. Who knows. It’s a rabbit hole. Why not be curious?

My Wonderland awaits, for better or for worse.

Can’t you see the faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes?
Who are you to keep your head with the hearts that you hang behind?
Look at yourself, look in the mirror, don’t you see a lie?
That you tell yourself again a thousand times
And the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry
You want to die? No?
-Embarrassing favorite song from the All-American Rejects: The Poison from Tim Burton’s Almost Alice

 

that time it hit me that I’m running away from my life/that time I realized I’m going to miss my mom

All this talk about Colorado and making plans and meeting people and figuring out how to simplify everything has all become a blur. It’s finally hit me that I’m literally running away. And the timer to that is ticking fast. It’s only 3 months away! Holy. Shit.

It really just recently hit me that I’m actually leaving. And by leaving, I’m leaving everything behind. 2,000 miles is far enough that for the first time in my life, I have to learn how to adult for real. Whaaaaatttt?!?!!

But I’m leaving behind a lot of good memories. Part of me doesn’t want to leave my hometown because there’s still so much good stuff here, but I know I made this decision because I needed change. Everything’s going to change. Am I ready for that?

My mom and I had brunch recently, and she likes to do this thing where she reminisces about the good times of my childhood (like when I wedged a pencil into the front door lock orĀ that time that I had a pet goat named Q-tip. Both true stories). I think she’s trying to piece my memory back together for me because I finally got it across to her that I don’t remember my childhood. Everything up until about 6th grade is just a fog or non-existent. What was I blocking? So yeah, apparently I did have some good memories. And all of those will forever reside in my hometown that I’m leaving behind.

It’s sad though, really. Now that I know I’m about to leave it all, I keep finding the things from this place that I really do or did enjoy, the places I remember, the people I knew. The dock at the boatyard that my high school best friend and I would get high and stare at the stars and dream of what was going to happen to us. The pavilion in the park where my high school friends and I hop the fence to and chug Miller Lite. The tattoo studio where I’ve gotten all my life-changing tattoos and formed some awesome relationships with the artists. The art supply store that I still technically work in and have since I was 14. The wonderful people there that will gladly welcome me back whenever I want to. There’s the community college where I spent a lot of time trying to figure my life out after I flunked out of the first college I went to. The park underneath the bridge where I’d climb on the rocks with my friends or by myself and watch the waves and sailboats go by. All of these things and all of these memories are all going to remain here.

But I’m also leaving my cat (temporarily), my neurotic pitbull 9 year old puppy, and most importantly, my mom. In the end, I wanted to get away from everything and everyone and start over, as if I didn’t ever live in Maryland. But in reality? I love my mom and I will miss her. She’s done so much for me and put up with all 22 years of my bullshit from climbing out of my crib as a baby to crashing her car multiple times. This woman will drop everything to have a conversation with me (like the time I completely fried my hair off with bleach and I called her while she was at a conference and she actually talked me through my crying and freaking out. Overdramatic, but my hair was past my shoulders and I had to get it cut the shortest it’s ever been. Yes, it’s traumatizing to see bunches of your hair break off of your head). So I’ve decided to take a piece of her with me.

3bdcaa074d6c0dbd82fd060a0ae22f3a

Before I leave, I’ll get this tattooed on my forearm to remind me of home. My mom is a closet Lord of the Rings fan (she wrote her senior paper or something like thatĀ about LOTR in college, before the books were even well known. Pretty hardcore if you ask me). LOTR will always remind me of my mother. I think she likes to live her life by these books when I think back on it. She’s always encouraged me to go after the impossible, knowing the setbacks, how far it is to climb to anywhere, but to know that everything is possible if I really want something. I hated her at the time for pushing me so much, but now I know that she only wanted me to keep going even when it seemed hopeless. She taught me that courage is found in unlikely places. I’ll keep that close to me.

So this is for you, Mom:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
– J.R.R. Tolkien