all that and a pint of ice cream and bottle of wine

The blog hiatus is still pretty real. To be honest, I thought this was the end of my Wallflower Waterfall blog journey. After scrolling through all my social media accounts after the inauguration, I realized (as much as I really do care about it) that I don’t want to see all this stuff clogging up my newsfeed. And besides that, since it seemed that that was all that people wanted to read and write about, who would want to read my blog in which I completely avoid talking about politics?

The answer, I found, was still a handful of people. So I’ll keep writing for you guys, but you’re gonna have to look hard for it amongst all the political rants and articles that are probably clogging up your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram pages as well. And for that, you all will get a lot of virtual hugs and maybe cookies if you live near me (I guess we’re back to the cookie bribery). Also, I realized that as of next week, I will have had this blog for a year.  Definitely baking cookies for myself. And because next week is Valentine’s Day and I’m sure you all know how much I LOVE Valentine’s Day … queue sarcasm. See last year’s post numero uno and the Valentine’s Day follow-up of post #2. For the record, my mind is still like the DC metro (see the second post). I also totally take back what I said about teddy bears and all the cheesy Valentine’s Day crap. I fucking love flowers and those stupid little heart shaped boxes of chocolate. But only good chocolate. None of that Russell Stover excuse for “chocolate.”

I guess this year probably won’t be much different besides the fact that I’m not dating a sociopath, but vegan Ben & Jerry’s, wine and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind will probably still be in the mix. I really don’t know why Valentine’s Day always gets me down. Every year, I watch Eternal Sunshine to remind myself that people come and go, and life can continue on regardless. Yesterday, the tattoo itch kicked in so badly that I sat through six hours of getting my entire left side of my torso tattooed with the quote from the movie. It’s been six months since my last tattoo. And since it’s close to Valentine’s Day, I only felt it was appropriate:

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How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d                      -Alexander Pope

If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll get it. If not, well I just planned your Valentine’s Day for you.

A spotless mind, one that is untainted, and innocent. Eternal light lives in the minds of the innocent. But are they happy not knowing?

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I guess we’ve all felt like this at some point. I thought this would be me this year. But second chances are always a thing. Sometimes even third and fourth chances if somehow it’ll seem worth it. But who am I to talk about relationship advice. I mean come on, I dated a sociopath for over half a year.

But disclaimer? I’ve actually been binge watching the Twilight series. 50 Shades of Grey will be on the queue for later. And then back to the beautiful tragedy that is the eternal sunshine.

 

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2017: the year of manic-induced ideas

Anyone ever go through phases where your dreams get so vivid that you wake up the next morning like “OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GO GET MY LIP RING REPLACED TODAY”? Yeah that totally happened to me the other day. I had this weird dream that my lip ring fell out and when I picked up the ring it was one long piece of wire that I had to wind into a ring shape and when I put it back in my lip there was blood EVERYWHERE.. and then I woke up. So yeah, I woke up and automatically ran to the mirror to make sure I still had a normal looking lip. Close call.

Okay and then last night I had a dream that I owned my own custom skate deck company. It was so vivid that I was putting my own designs that I’ve actually drawn or painted on skatedecks. So, naturally, I woke up this morning thinking, “hey, that’s actually an awesome idea.” I’m barely a skater myself, if anyone recalls my several instances of spraining my wrists during my phase of wanting to be a skater kid. I can go down a flat wide road without falling pretty well and… that’s about it. Maybe when it gets warmer out and there’s not ice everywhere, I’ll try again (Godspeed, wrists).

But for real, custom skate decks? I don’t know anything about actually putting together a full board with all the wheels and hardware, but I can paint. I picked out my skate deck purely because of the design (pink background with a unicorn with tentacles? How could I not get that one?) Okay, granted, the start up would be hella expensive. Blank decks start at $17 a piece (and that’s just for small skateboards), plus paint, lacquer spray, and MAYBE grip tape if I really want to get fancy. But man, I could make bank on that

Let’s start with my latest and greatest storm trooper jelly.

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The ever famous Marla image I printed on t-shirts
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Geometrical patronus?

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The original design for my calf tattoo..hmm
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And I think we all remember my jellyfish phase..
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And this is just cool. 

Start up material? Maybe. Maybe I’m just a little manic because I was really depressed last night and played Alice: Madness for like, 5 hours and what happens after I’m depressed? MANIA AND STRANGE DREAMS THE UNENDING CYCLE.

I should really calm down and not buy a blank skateboard and maybe just draw instead of thinking of company names for this manic induced idea. Wonder Decks? Manic Decks? That one might be more appropriate.

First Hogwarts, now custom skateboards. Where will my mind take me next? Mania can be a beautiful thing. What else am I gonna do while I’m not bound to a real adult job? Be a manic kid. It’s kind of nice.

that time I got a new DSM diagnosis and needed to go back to Wonderland

The DSM is a book made for insurance companies. And not even really that because half the conditions in it aren’t even covered by most health insurance companies (i.e. dissociative disorders and personality disorders). It’s just a stupid book that if you read it, you will find yourself relating to every disorder listed. Don’t look through it. You’ll diagnosis yourself with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopathy and psychopathy).

Anyway, where was I going with this? Right. Psychiatrists. For the past year or so I’ve had the same DSM codes listed on my record and there’s always only 2: one of general anxiety disorder and one for some kind of “persistent dysthymia.” But my last visit to my psychiatrist resulted in me walking out with THREE codes. Curiosity killing me, I obviously googled the unrecognizable code and guess what he diagnosed me with.

Alcohol dependence.

Okay, so hold up. Yeah I have a problem with alcohol, I completely admit to that, but dependence??? In that case, every person who works in food service has alcohol dependence. And I know exactly why he gave me this diagnosis. He asked me if it was possible for me to stop drinking completely, to which I responded “yeah, I could, but I like looking forward to a glass of wine or a beer after a long day.” Apparently this is dependence. Granted, I’m nursing a hangover today. I guess maybe this is spiraling out of control a bit as much as I really don’t want it to. The problem? I don’t fix myself until something drastic happens. Everyone’s telling me to slow my roll and I keep telling myself to slow my roll because I don’t even like myself when I’m drunk.. let alone when I’m sober. Drunk me is (see a previous post) Alice-Emily and ultimately explosive and unattractive.

While we’re on the topic of Alice.. check this out.

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The extension of my Alice in Wonderland sleeve! Let me explain a bit. So there’s this video game, Alice Madness Returns, that’s loosely based on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland movie. Remember that one? The trippy one that had nothing to do with the original Disney movie or the book but I’m still sure that Lewis Carroll would have appreciated it? Yeah that one. In the game, there’s the normal Alice (who’s tattooed on the other side of my arm)

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Super old picture from when I first had this done, but there’s my other Alice! The good Alice. The sane Alice. That’s the me Alice. This other Alice? That’s the Hysteria Alice. Out of control, relentless, powerful, and ultimately destructive. That’s the Alice me that happens when I drink, or when I’m feeling particularly manic and get out of control in that Alice type of way. In the game, when you’re low in power, you can convert to Hysteria mode that causes more destruction to your enemies but doesn’t give you the same rewards for defeating them. This totally doesn’t make sense, does it? Let me break this down a little more.

I always identify with the good Alice. I long for Wonderland, for peace, tranquility, but while maintaining her power. This other Alice, the Alice that I used to “transition” into is the Alice that is the Hysteria Alice. Make more sense now? Hysteria Alice is the one who comes in for the kill. There will always be a part of me that is this Alice, and that’s okay. I acknowledge her. We’ll find peace someday. Hysteria Alice says DRINK ME.

I just have to learn not to get so low in power that I have to convert to drinking, to hysteria.

How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate your condition is not permanent. You’re lucky, too. Red eyes suit so few.
-Cheshire Cat, Alice Madness Returns