so ya’ll mother f**kers will stop asking “why” because it’s really complicated

So yeah, the rumors are true: I’m leaving Colorado to go back to Maryland. It’s not that I WANT to move back, to be honest I didn’t ever want to move back. But, unfortunately, it is home and that’s where I need to be right now for a lot of reasons.

A lot of things have happened this past 10 months that completely broke me down and built me back up again, stronger than ever, so I can’t say I wasted a year. I went through some of the worst depression I’ve ever been through, and through this, I learned a lot about myself. Ultimately, this past year I haven’t been getting what I need. I need art. I need my piano. I need the conveniently close music venues. Without all this the past year, I found myself as a completely empty shell. It wasn’t until I started painting again that I realized what it was in my life that I was missing: I lost a giant piece of myself.

I spent an entire year trying to find myself, when really it was there all along, I had just forgotten about it. I didn’t need to pierce my lip, shave my head and buy a skateboard to try and find who I am. I just needed to do what came naturally to me and ultimately just be myself.

So really what happened was that I came out here with no real plan except to hike mountains and drink good beer. But that wasn’t enough. It was fun for a couple months and then I got bored. I had the worst time trying to find a job and spent weeks fretting about being unemployed and alone. I would find a job, go for a day, hate it, and quit. This happened several times. I realize now I was wasting my time obsessing about finding a job and not spending the time I had to do the things that make me happy, like doing art. And that’s how I got depressed. Going nowhere. Not doing the things that make me happy. My body started shutting down. Weaning myself off my medication didn’t help either. I was drowning my body in alcohol every night and sleeping most of the day. Inevitably, I could feel my mind and body deteriorating and I slowly started to give up. I got to the point where leaving the house and even keeping a job was close to impossible.

One day a few weeks ago, I found myself at the bottom of a couple of bottles. I went a little psychotic. But then I started drawing. And then I picked up my paintbrush and I guess that was the moment when I came to (despite being out of my mind trashed) and realized what I was really missing in life.

Basically, I’m not happy in Colorado. I’m not getting what I need here. I need to go home for a while and reground myself and recover from the reality trip I took for 10 months. Hopefully, I’m going to go back to college to work on my second bachelor’s degree in art and then start applying to graduate schools for a master’s in art therapy (hence that I’m not moving back permanently). And of course, I’m going to just enjoy what I was missing from home: good friends, family, my piano, my cat and dog, being close to the water. The demons I left at home aren’t so scary anymore. Maybe time away is what healed me and made me strong enough to face them again.

I’m better now. I started treating myself better by eating a healthier diet, not drinking as much and making art every single day. I finally recovered from the klonopin withdrawal and now the fog has lifted from my head.

I will miss the mountains. I will miss the amazing beer I’ve tried here. I’ll miss some of the friends I acquired here. I will miss this beautiful summer weather. But it’s okay. I know I made the right decision.

You could say I’m a survivor of reality.



One thought on “so ya’ll mother f**kers will stop asking “why” because it’s really complicated

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