2017: the year of applying to Hogwarts while being an adult under a stack of pillows

Well, hey there 2017. I was going to post yesterday but I got too stuck in the black hole of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE AND IM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. I spent most of the day in bed. And eating. And continuing to ponder my life choices. But for real, I actually did give up drinking as my New Years resolution and so far I’m about 36 hours in. I’m doing okay. Now onto bigger things.

After the 50-something jobs I’ve applied for and 15 or more interviews I’ve gone to, I’ve realized how soul sucking all of these dead-end jobs are so maybe 2017 is the year I decide to crawl out of the hole of soul sucking retail and food service jobs and be a big girl. And apply for grad school. To do something. Like, writing? Why do I have to go to school for that when it’s something I already do? Oh yeah, your name means nothing with out a Ph.D or M.S./M.A. next to it. So okay, step 1: school research. FOUND SOME AWESOME ONES….

Oh yeah. The GRE. My recurring nightmare.

I am literally the worst test taker. I cried before (and maybe during) both times I took the SAT in high school and while studying for it. Why do I have to prove my intelligence in the span of 5 hours on a sheet of bubbles? Our education is really fucked up. Our worth in society is based on some numbers calculated by standardized test scores. Some of us just aren’t good test takers, ok? I even suck at online quizzes about myself (I know that seems impossible, but I never get assigned the right Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter character. Obviously, I’m an elf and Luna Lovegood. Not an orc and Lavender Brown.)

Case in point, my final college GPA was a 3.25. Why? I took all the classes that didn’t require tests for a final exam. I don’t consider this a cop out considering that I know people who are truly horrible writers (throwback to taking freshman English comp as a junior). Also at one point I took an IQ test (completely hypocritical to my previous statements), and it was 125. THATS DAMN INTELLIGENT AND I WILL ACCEPT THIS NUMBER.

So after my semi-quarter-life crisis panic attack and accepting that I will never go back to school because the thought of the GRE makes me hide in my pillow fort (thanks for that, Jenny Lawson*), I thought, wait, schools not in the US don’t require GRE reports, right?

Okay so basically I spent the past 3 or so hours researching European schools that accept international students and teach in English. And guess what? As expected, no GRE required. Bam, America. You can’t keep me here with your unrealistic education expectations. So basically, now I’m applying for a passport so I can go visit my lovely homeland of Scotland (true fact, my mom’s family is Irish/Scottish) and visit the University of Edinburgh and look into their postgraduate program in creative writing. Their campus ain’t got nothin’ on any college campus in America. Parts of freaking Harry Potter were filmed there. I might finally get my Hogwarts letter at age 23. And Edinburgh is located near the mountains and some other amazing outdoorsy places as well. Perfect.

First problem: I have to submit 3 short stories as part of the application to the program. Yes, they have to be fiction and basically not at all like how I write here. If you have any story ideas, come at me. I’ll give you credit if I get published. But let’s be real, I’ll end up writing about the Cheshire Cat’s origins like I had originally planned as my first novel. One idea down, 2 more to go.

So maybe moving to Scotland won’t be my resolution for 2017, but maybe 2018. I’ll just hide in my pillow fort and write short stories for 2017 and apply for a passport and visa. We’ll start there. And I won’t be a flaky croissant this time.

I need more pillows for this fort.

I could almost literally go to Hogwarts: I present to you, the University of Edinburgh 

*Really, go read her blog. You could say we’re basically writing style twinsies. With equal amounts of social anxiety. We would totally be best friends, Jenny. As long as we only text. Good? Awesome.


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