dropping the soap in the shower and crying

I used to set my alarm for 7am every single day. Every morning, Taylor Swift would greet me with “CAUSE BABY NOW WE GOT BAD BLOOD” at 7am. If that doesn’t get you out of bed, I don’t know what will.

Then I moved it to 8am.

Then 9am.

Then 9am which would give me time to be up by 9:30 or 10.

Then I turned off my alarm. I have no reason to have an alarm. Every morning is silent.

I think that might be a low point in my life. No reason to have an alarm. No reason to get up in the morning.

Remember when I said that the real reason I came out to Colorado was just to (and I quote myself) “drink beer, smoke weed, and hike a lot of mountains”? Well, and also work cause I’m an “adult.” I had all of that. I biked to work everyday, I tried to get as much sun as possible. I was basically constantly searching for things to do.

But now I have none of those things. No job. Not enough money to buy weed. I’m trying to get sober for my own mental and physical health. And the mountains? Well, they’re covered in snow and it’s been a balmy 35 degrees on the warm days.

I’ve never really been “depressed.” Like, diagnosed “major depressive disorder” depressed. But now? I am a textbook example of major depressive disorder. My body is depressed. I have no energy even though I sleep a lot. Some days I’ll drop the soap when I’m in the shower and start crying (that was today). Some days I don’t even leave my apartment. Some days I barely leave my bed. Today was one of those days. And I actually did cry when I dropped the soap.

I did get a new job, but I did 3 shifts and then started crying this morning just from thinking about going in tonight, so I quit. I don’t want a repeat of my last job.

This journey has been one rejection after another. It’s constant. And I’m tired. I’m used up. Uninspired. Lost.

Sometimes, quiet is violent.

I want to go home.

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