I think I like changing up my format for how I do my titles now. Or I guess, lack there of. I always hated making up titles for essays when I was in school but since writing a blog, titles can be the most challenging but most fun part because you WANT people to read your blog post. And what’s gonna get people to start reading? The title. Even if it’s irrelevant to the rest of the post like mine mostly am. But hey, that’s just my style. Off topic, random and sometimes not so PG.
So anyway. Here’s a quick low down of how my quarter life crisis has been: I’ve been researching cosmetology schools in Fort Collins because I want to get more into hair and makeup. I also have been researching schools for acupuncture in Fort Collins because Chinese medicine seems so cool. And then after work on Sunday, I went and got my lip pierced. This was the day after I decided to dye my hair blue right before going into work. And I also decided to stop drinking because I think it’s f**king with my overall wellbeing. Oh and I started going to acupuncture and stopped going to therapy and taking my meds (everyone keep 911 on speed dial for me).
Okay, I guess this sounds more like a manic episode. But honestly? I just work better on impulse. Like, if I had waited to get my lip pierced, I would’ve been questioning it way too much for the days leading up to going and then probably wouldn’t have gotten it done. So far, no regrets.
So last night, I watched that movie Garden State for the ump-teenth time ever (you know, the one that Zach Braff wrote, directed, produced and acted in? And Natalie Portman is this awkward girl that he falls in love with? And the movie that made the band The Shins huge? Yeah, that one). So Zach Braff’s character in the movie has been on medication for most of his life and he doesn’t even know if there’s even anything wrong with him. I’ve seen this movie so many times; I know every detail, yet, last night, that part stuck with me. I’m 23 now, and I realized that I have been on some form of psychiatric medication for 9 years. 9. Freaking. Years. That’s like, early early high school and now I’m out of college. Okay yeah I went on and off of it from time to time but I’ve been on Klonopin for over 4 years now. Being the medication that it is, I haven’t been able to get off of it because it’s so extremely addicting that I can’t deal with the withdrawal from it. I’m pretty sure I’ve changed a lot since 4 years ago. I could be completely different now and not even know it. I could be totally fine. I could be completely insane. But I realized, I have no idea. I’ve been comforted by these little blue pills for so long that it’s just now starting to occur to me that maybe there isn’t even anything wrong with me anymore.
And to be honest? I’ve also been in therapy for 11 years. I’m really over this whole scene. There are people out there who have never been in this whole world that I’ve been dealing with half of my life. There are people who don’t have to worry about running out of their medications, haven’t had to worry about scheduling their next therapy appointment, or even been in a psych ward. I want to know what it’s like to not have that be such a major component of my life. I’m tired of being given labels of who I am based on a DSM code. Tired of doctors telling me things I already know. So why have I been in this world for so long? I’ve never been given the chance to just figure this out myself. Maybe even just wallow in myself and let that be okay and not have to be pushed to be “normal” or “fixed.” I’m not broken.
Last week I looked up at a giant Colorado sky filled with stars and felt so small. Last night, I sat on top of the highest point in Fort Collins and saw the largest supermoon since the early 1900s rise, and I felt so small. My life, and everyone’s lives, are so small. So this makes my problems so small too. It’s pretty eye opening. Seeing a moon that large, or a sky that goes on infinitely makes you realize that none of this really matters. What people think you are, the problems that you’re facing.. they are microscopic in the grand scheme of things. Every time I sit at the top of a mountain, I love seeing how small everything is. Being small isn’t a bad thing though. You’re sitting there at the top of mountain and you realize, since not that much really matters, you are free to do whatever you want. Be whoever you want to be. In the big bad adult world, while it may seem like all of the pressure is coming down on you, you are still free. You are not bound to anything or anyone.
I want to be better. I want to get out of this world I’ve made for myself accidentally. I want to see all there is to see and experience everything that I can. And all of this can be done without that comforting blue pillow of my addiction to therapy.
“Let’s just be whatever it is that we are… and everything will be better, okay?”
-Andrew Largeman, Garden State