Let’s talk about physical disability

But really though, I know this blog is about mental illness, but speaking from experience, they go hand-in-hand. I don’t know a lot of people who get sick and they’re still in a cheery mood. I mean come on, you’re sick, you feel like shit and you can’t do anything and that can be just straight up depressing. You can’t see friends because you don’t want to get them sick and if you don’t live at home, mom and dad aren’t around to take care of you. 6+ hours of Netflix later… you begin to just feel bad for yourself. Feel worthless even though it’s not your fault that you’re stuck in bed being a completely unproductive member of society.

So throwback to when I was hospitalized in March for od’ing on Xanax and my blood pressure was so low that they were afraid I would go into a coma. Throwback to Blob sitting there and maybe legitimately watching me die on the couch. Throwback to being in the hospital for 3 days and only getting released when my blood pressure was up to 110/70 and I had to convince them I was ok (I was still really weak actually, I just wanted to get the f**k out of there). For the next couple days, I was weak. I was tired. 110/70 is a relatively healthy blood pressure* but I guess when you down 20 or so Xanax, you’re still gonna be pretty messed up for a bit. My short term memory hasn’t been the same since.

Well a couple days ago, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up still drunk. Not surprised. And then the hangover started to kick in.. but it didn’t feel like a hangover. This was different. I was so weak I couldn’t carry more than 2 drinks to tables at work. Walking up a short flight of stairs left me with a little head spin and I had to take a second to take a deep breath. I felt like I had just gotten out of the hospital again. Luckily, my manager knew what was up and told me to just drop everything and go home a couple hours later because my energy was close to zero. I told them I’d try to see a doctor that week.

I figured it would go away. It was just a bad hangover. But the next day came and I felt worse. I could barely get out of bed. I decided to take it easy. I went out and did some errands. I almost passed out in the grocery store but I got everything done. All of that was too much so I went home and went back to bed because I was exhausted from these simple tasks. But do you know how depressing it is to not be able to get out of bed and all you can do is watch Netflix for hours on end and no one is even there to keep you company? With me, you begin to ponder everything and then everything is a downward spiral and I ended up straight up in a depressed state. I did the same thing the next day, but I emotionally felt even worse to the point where I spent most of the day crying and then wondering why I moved to Colorado in the first place and I hated everything and everyone for not understanding what I was going through.

Tuesday came and I told myself I would power through work. I needed to be there and I really wanted to be there. I went in, did my normal opening duties, but I was slow. I was still weak and tired. My boss asked me how I was doing to which I responded “a little better than Saturday. I’m just going to try to power through today. I really want to be here.” I got sent home due to liability reasons (i.e. what if I fainted and face planted onto a tray of broken glasses) and was told they didn’t want me to work until I had a doctor’s note that said I’m ok to come to work. I left work and suddenly I felt this feeling that I could barely describe. I wasn’t allowed to work because of my health. It felt like getting laid off from my job. The lightheadedness and lightning headaches I were getting weren’t helping. I spiraled back into my depressed state but decided that it was now or never I get myself to a doctor. For the record, I hate doctors.

Well, long story short, I went to the walk-in clinic at the hospital and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. They said I was fine.. but I knew I wasn’t because I looked at the monitor when they took my blood pressure: 104/64. That’s lower than when I got out of the hospital. No one believed me, but I knew it: low blood pressure. I went home and watched X amount of hours of Netflix, still feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to do my normal things. I wanted to go the gym, I wanted to go out and hula hoop, but I was exhausted. I could only lie in bed and check all my social media accounts every 5 minutes.

Today is a little better. Today I woke up and told myself that I am bigger than this and I CAN power through this. I ate a full breakfast and went to the gym. I did some yoga. I think I still have some energy left in me to go out and hoop for a little bit and maybe grab a drink with a friend later. I’m pushing myself but it’s only because I’m ok with being needy and asking for help. I want to see my friends and if it’s going to take all of the wind out of me, that’s ok. It’s better than sitting in my dark, tiny room all day.

Physical disability is not going to define my life. Yes, my life is physically more difficult right now, but I know that it doesn’t have to bring me down. It doesn’t have to leave me bedridden. Even if I go out and do some small tasks that leave me exhausted, that’s ok. I’m still alive and that’s more than I can ask for right now. I haven’t been sent to the hospital, fainted, or been left completely catatonic for hours. I don’t have to let my body define who I am or what I am capable of.

~end self-pep-talk rant~ Time for a nap.

*If you don’t understand blood pressure, “normal” blood pressure should have the top number being between 90 and 120


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