that time I realized I can’t ever run from myself

So I made it to Colorado (see previous post), and you know, Colorado is great and everything. The summertime weather is amazing with its lack of humidity and hot but not too hot days and cool nights. I haven’t come across a single person who has been blatantly rude and everyone is generally just nicer (they might be faking it, but at least it’s nice of them to put on a face for a stranger). The mountains are a really terrific sight at sunset and even during the day is comforting to see them towering in the distance.

And yet, I feel so incredibly stuck. I looked up a thing that I made up called “post college depression” and it turns out that it’s a real thing. Being unemployed so far, I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. No reason to put on makeup or any clothes that make me look like more than a Colorado skate bro. I tried using Tinder to make friends… I should have known by now that Tinder is never a good idea for anything except for getting laid. Even that is hit or miss. I tried doing something new and bought a skateboard because I’ve always wanted to try it out (2 sprained wrists later, I’m just really frustrated with it). I have about 10 books that need to be read, several shows on Netflix I’ve been meaning to watch, mountains I want to climb, places I want to go, but when you only know a couple people in a new town who have pretty busy lives and drama of their own, you end up feeling unmotivated and on the verge of depressed because even picking up a book seems hard (which it is when both of your wrists are sprained).

Let’s face it, I’m really really bored. Bored to the point that I want to sit in on one of my friend’s classes just so that I can stimulate my mind and feel like I’m maybe doing something. I thought that finishing college would be the most relieving thing of my life and maybe one of my biggest accomplishments so far, but alas, I’m stuck here waiting for my piece of paper to arrive in the mail to tell me that I was at least capable of getting C’s and attending class once in a while. Really it’s just a letter in the mail that says to me “Congratulations, you suffered all the way to the end of college. Have a nice life.” At least vegan Ben & Jerry’s is a thing out here.

It’s all very anticlimactic.

I set my alarm for 7am every morning like I have been for the past year. It goes off the same, and all I can do is lie in bed for at least an hour finding a reason to get out of bed. I try to go exercise in the morning and then after that, I stare at my phone wondering if something is going to happen that day or if I’m just going to be stuck finding something to do. The people I know here don’t even know who I really am or the shit that I’ve gone through and it’s all weird. It might be a good thing. I’m trying not to let the crazies (aka Alice) out because I’m trying to leave that all back in Maryland.

I thought a fresh start would be way more uplifting than this.


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