that time I fell asleep in a field and made friends with a 15 year old girl

That actually did happen. And at least it was the field of a music festival and I was just listening to whatever was playing. That’s acceptable at a music fest, right? Everyone was placing bets on how many bottles of wine I would go through throughout the 5 day affair and my answer is this: 1 bottle in one night. But only one night. That’s like, a record for me. So go me for kicking alcoholism?

But I haven’t kicked my other problems apparently. Why do we always settle for the people we know are not right for us? Well, I’ll tell you why. Human kind is a desperate species. We are always seeking companionship. If the person comes off as not creepy and for the most part nice, then yeah you only see all the good parts in them… and then the honeymoon phase ends and everything they say and do gets to every nerve ending in your body. The emotions become overwhelming and you try to fix them to be the way you thought they were, but the truth is you can’t change anyone else but yourself.

I guess I could have seen that coming. Here’s my advice: if you are an emotionally unstable person and have a tendency to lash out at the people closest to you, don’t hang out with borderline sociopaths. Granted, I’ve had my fair share of feeling like a sociopath when I was not completely integrated because all of my emotions were stored in other personalities. But now that it’s one big part of personalities integrated in my brain, “emotionally stable” is not in my vocabulary. After going so long without emotions, once they come back, you’re not sure what to do with them. It’s like being thrown a bicycle and being instructed to ride it and you’ve never learned how. I guess that’s what changed: I started having emotions, and having no idea what to do with them, I threw them in the face of someone who’s close to me and is completely not used to it. But the truth is, I’m not completely integrated because Alice keeps running away (hence my lack of mania in the past month, and then transitioning for the first time in a month on the last day of the music festival).

It’s not like I’m not trying. It’s overwhelming and I have no idea where to start sorting through how to feel, embrace, and behave accordingly with the emotions I was once lacking. And with that, I managed to push a lot of people out of my life because they can’t understand it. I’ll take the blame for that one, but I won’t apologize for having this problem. I can apologize for the way I act. I just kept ignoring how I was acting and not addressing what the real problem was. I still don’t know what the problem is. But step 1? Be selfless, be kind, and when someone doesn’t know how to handle me, tell them what I need instead of shutting down.

I want to get better. I want to stop crying everyday for no reason. I want to have the energy to be a better person. I want to believe that I will move past all of this. Moving cross country won’t cure me, and I know that. I want to be able to stop apologizing for what happened last night/yesterday/last week/a few hours ago/a minute ago. And most importantly, I want to stop regretting everything. I can wish I didn’t do a lot of things, but it doesn’t matter now because the only direction to go is forward.

You may call it in this evening
But you’ve only lost the night
Present all your pretty feelings
May they comfort you tonight
And I’m climbing over something
And I’m running through these walls
I don’t even know if I believe
mumford & sons


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