that time I wrote a blog post to stay awake in class

Guys, I’m literally falling asleep. I’m just writing so that I can stay awake. Help me. I’m trapped in a room that I’ve been in for the past 4 hours and I’m being forced to learn things.

Bed, I miss you. I’ll be there soon.

And yet I signed up for a 7:30am pure barre class tomorrow morning. Why do I do these things to myself? I only feel productive when I start doing the impossible. Like not sleep like a normal person then end up sleeping for 16 hours straight at the end of the week. Repeat the cycle.

I also kind of feel bad that I haven’t been posting as much as I have in the past. It’s been, what, 5 or 6 days since my last post? I have so much to talk about and yet nothing at all mostly because I’ve been starting to wonder if anyone actually cares.

So confession? I am not ready to move to Colorado. In a manic state, I completely jumped on the housing opportunity I found, and now that it’s become so real to the point where I can’t not go, I am fucking terrified. Cause first of all, there’s the drive. 24 hours in a car by myself (ok I’ll have Finn the rat with me, prepare thyself for pictures of Finn in different places across the United States. Like a garden gnome. But a live rat.) But I’m gonna need to stock up on some life changing cd’s to listen to because my car does not connect to my iPhone (hold on while I check the Apple store for fancy devices…..OK APPARENTLY ONE DOES NOT EXIST AND YOUR SITE IS STUPID SLOW). Hopefully Siri will also hold out for me on the way there so that I’m not stuck in the middle of Kansas chomping on corn and trying to hitchhike with a rat in tow. This is worst case scenario here, it’s worth thinking about. Like, if I were to end up hitchhiking, what things would I grab from my car and what would I leave? My ENTIRE LIFE is going to be in that car. I might leave my meds behind. I’ll probably take my 23rd birthday wine for sentimentality and a potential good weapon. And something to keep me calm (alcoholism at it’s finest that may or may not be left behind). But honestly I’d probably take my cast-iron skillet because that’s definitely a good weapon. You know. Just in case.

I think thinking of the worst case scenarios is what will keep me semi-sane. Blob broke it down for me when I was freaking out about everything I have to do before I leave (how does he manage to keep everything so simple? Nothing is complicated to him and I totally don’t understand it. It’s also nice knowing that he’s probably not reading this right now because he’s currently camping with his dog to contemplate his life. I expect a homeless man beard upon his return. Unless he actually just ran away and isn’t returning. Fine by me. I’m doing the same thing in August). So there is a lot to do but I think I’m just overthinking it. It’s also finals week. Granted, I have more time in my day now that I have an excuse to not wear makeup or make any real decisions about what I’m going to wear so that I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes. Finals week is amazing in this respect. And unlike all the freshman, sophomores, juniors and newbie seniors, I am a burned out super senior who does not give a shit and goes with the motto of “C’s get degrees.” I’m ok with this. I’ve been in school for 5 fucking years. I don’t even want this degree because I don’t want to use it unless it involves me working in a rat lab (aka not working, just playing with rats all day and maybe make them run through a maze so that I can confirm with my boss that rats whose hippocampus is intact can remember where the treat is in a maze).

But anyway, yes, I will blog along the way to Colorado. While it is 24 hours of driving that I could do in one shot, why not take my time getting out there and see some stuff? How many times in my life am I going to drive cross country? Might happen again, might not, so I’m going to treat this like I’m not going to do it again. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up all the way in the middle of Montana because why not? Okay, my sister lives there so maybe I’ll surprise visit her (not really a surprise if I’m writing this here). And I’m going to be doing all of this by myself. No, Blob is not coming with me. Everyone’s been asking me that and he will not be following me. He may end up on my end of the country at some point, but no one is holding their breath for it. It’s fine. People come and go, but life doesn’t stop for anybody.

Besides kayaking the entirety of the Chesapeake Bay in high school, this is probably the biggest adventure I’ve put myself into. This is my rabbit hole. My head will come with me, but what is down that rabbit hole? Who knows. I might not be the same person I am today. I’ll go from East Coast miserable Emily to West Coast……….Emily?? I might still be miserable and anxiety ridden and still end up hiding under my desk because all the voices in my head are telling me that’s the safest place to be right now. But I could be someone else. Who knows. It’s a rabbit hole. Why not be curious?

My Wonderland awaits, for better or for worse.

Can’t you see the faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes?
Who are you to keep your head with the hearts that you hang behind?
Look at yourself, look in the mirror, don’t you see a lie?
That you tell yourself again a thousand times
And the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry
You want to die? No?
-Embarrassing favorite song from the All-American Rejects: The Poison from Tim Burton’s Almost Alice

 

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