that time I ended my blog hiatus and stopped trusting medical doctors

Hey what’s up guys? I know I went on a bender and decided that I wasn’t going to blog anymore and never gave a reason. But let me explain. Have I lost everyone?

Long story short: I’m sick. About a month ago I started feeling unusually tired to the point that I was taking naps every day and getting 10 hours of sleep and still feeling tired. I attributed this to a medication I had recently increased the dose of so I stopped taking it. But it kept going.. and going.. I was sleeping my life away it felt like. And then other things started happening. I started getting weird slight vertigo, light headedness and overall muscle fatigue. My visual perception was off. I felt like I was in wonderland because everything looked so far away or too close or too small or too big than it should. I looked drunk most of the time because I was getting so clumsy (or more than usual). I felt so useless and started feeling depressed constantly. I was crying every day because I just felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore. I could barely keep my food down. Of course I asked Blob what it sounded like (yay for knowing nutritionists on a personal level) and he had no idea. I had no idea either. About 3 weeks into this, I finally decided to go to my doctor to get my blood tested because I figured that maybe I was anemic, or lacking some nutrient in my body. I was at the point where getting through my work shift was excruciatingly exhausting. Well here’s how the doctor visit went

Doc: what are you major symptoms?
Me: Well, I’ve been a lot more tired than usual, I can’t keep my food down and I feel weak and lightheaded. Can I get my blood tested? I think my vitamin D levels are low or I’m anemic or something.
Doc: Sounds like allergies. I’ve had a lot of patients have these kinds of symptoms for allergies. Drink more water and here’s a prescription for vertigo.
Me: Um… I don’t have allergies.
Doc: Then what do you think it is?
Me: (did you not just hear what I said?) I think I’m deficient in something. Can I please just get my blood tested????
Doc: …fine. But your insurance won’t cover it probably.

Did I mention that she didn’t even ask me about my diet (vegan), alcohol consumption, drug use, exercise, anything like that? Well I ended up getting my blood tested and guess who was right?

I don’t even need WebMD to figure these things out. My Vitamin D levels came back as low, and my white blood cell count abnormally high which “may indicate a viral infection.” BUT WHAT KIND OF VIRAL INFECTION WAY TO BE SPECIFIC. So here I still am with some kind of viral infection in my system and taking Vitamin D supplements which have helped a little, and now that the sun has decided to be a thing again I’ve at least managed to crawl out of my depression hole a little bit. Moral of the story? Don’t trust doctors. Go with your gut. But not mine because it’ll reject anything you put into it. Except bananas. I can eat an absurd amount of bananas without feeling sick. At least bananas are cheap so I can buy 5 pounds of them and not spend over $10 on my food for the week. Well thank god for that. By the way, did you know that bananas are actually a seed and not a fruit? Mind. Blown.

I don’t even really get depressed that much. Not depressed to the point where I wake up crying for no reason and shaking and throwing up almost daily. It’s been really great. Whatever this virus is, if you could kindly escort yourself out of my body… that’d be great. Depression for me usually last maybe a day and then the next day I’ll feel more than amazing. But this was persistent. Persistent, choking depression and anxiety that was taking over my life. Honestly, I blame the weather. I thought I lived in Maryland, not Seattle. ITS MAY WHY HAS IT BEEN RAINING AND COLD FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS. But it’s sunny and WARM today. I’m enjoying my moment of just going outside and finally feeling the warmth of the sun hit my face.

I’m on my road to recovery, eventually. I’ve been able to play with my hula hoops a little more lately without tiring out within 30 minutes, some foods (besides bananas) don’t make me physically hurt and drain my energy, and that heavy depression cloud is starting to lift.

Some days are better than others. I’ll make it through with my unknown viral sickness. Thanks, Doc.

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that time I wrote a blog post to stay awake in class

Guys, I’m literally falling asleep. I’m just writing so that I can stay awake. Help me. I’m trapped in a room that I’ve been in for the past 4 hours and I’m being forced to learn things.

Bed, I miss you. I’ll be there soon.

And yet I signed up for a 7:30am pure barre class tomorrow morning. Why do I do these things to myself? I only feel productive when I start doing the impossible. Like not sleep like a normal person then end up sleeping for 16 hours straight at the end of the week. Repeat the cycle.

I also kind of feel bad that I haven’t been posting as much as I have in the past. It’s been, what, 5 or 6 days since my last post? I have so much to talk about and yet nothing at all mostly because I’ve been starting to wonder if anyone actually cares.

So confession? I am not ready to move to Colorado. In a manic state, I completely jumped on the housing opportunity I found, and now that it’s become so real to the point where I can’t not go, I am fucking terrified. Cause first of all, there’s the drive. 24 hours in a car by myself (ok I’ll have Finn the rat with me, prepare thyself for pictures of Finn in different places across the United States. Like a garden gnome. But a live rat.) But I’m gonna need to stock up on some life changing cd’s to listen to because my car does not connect to my iPhone (hold on while I check the Apple store for fancy devices…..OK APPARENTLY ONE DOES NOT EXIST AND YOUR SITE IS STUPID SLOW). Hopefully Siri will also hold out for me on the way there so that I’m not stuck in the middle of Kansas chomping on corn and trying to hitchhike with a rat in tow. This is worst case scenario here, it’s worth thinking about. Like, if I were to end up hitchhiking, what things would I grab from my car and what would I leave? My ENTIRE LIFE is going to be in that car. I might leave my meds behind. I’ll probably take my 23rd birthday wine for sentimentality and a potential good weapon. And something to keep me calm (alcoholism at it’s finest that may or may not be left behind). But honestly I’d probably take my cast-iron skillet because that’s definitely a good weapon. You know. Just in case.

I think thinking of the worst case scenarios is what will keep me semi-sane. Blob broke it down for me when I was freaking out about everything I have to do before I leave (how does he manage to keep everything so simple? Nothing is complicated to him and I totally don’t understand it. It’s also nice knowing that he’s probably not reading this right now because he’s currently camping with his dog to contemplate his life. I expect a homeless man beard upon his return. Unless he actually just ran away and isn’t returning. Fine by me. I’m doing the same thing in August). So there is a lot to do but I think I’m just overthinking it. It’s also finals week. Granted, I have more time in my day now that I have an excuse to not wear makeup or make any real decisions about what I’m going to wear so that I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes. Finals week is amazing in this respect. And unlike all the freshman, sophomores, juniors and newbie seniors, I am a burned out super senior who does not give a shit and goes with the motto of “C’s get degrees.” I’m ok with this. I’ve been in school for 5 fucking years. I don’t even want this degree because I don’t want to use it unless it involves me working in a rat lab (aka not working, just playing with rats all day and maybe make them run through a maze so that I can confirm with my boss that rats whose hippocampus is intact can remember where the treat is in a maze).

But anyway, yes, I will blog along the way to Colorado. While it is 24 hours of driving that I could do in one shot, why not take my time getting out there and see some stuff? How many times in my life am I going to drive cross country? Might happen again, might not, so I’m going to treat this like I’m not going to do it again. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up all the way in the middle of Montana because why not? Okay, my sister lives there so maybe I’ll surprise visit her (not really a surprise if I’m writing this here). And I’m going to be doing all of this by myself. No, Blob is not coming with me. Everyone’s been asking me that and he will not be following me. He may end up on my end of the country at some point, but no one is holding their breath for it. It’s fine. People come and go, but life doesn’t stop for anybody.

Besides kayaking the entirety of the Chesapeake Bay in high school, this is probably the biggest adventure I’ve put myself into. This is my rabbit hole. My head will come with me, but what is down that rabbit hole? Who knows. I might not be the same person I am today. I’ll go from East Coast miserable Emily to West Coast……….Emily?? I might still be miserable and anxiety ridden and still end up hiding under my desk because all the voices in my head are telling me that’s the safest place to be right now. But I could be someone else. Who knows. It’s a rabbit hole. Why not be curious?

My Wonderland awaits, for better or for worse.

Can’t you see the faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes?
Who are you to keep your head with the hearts that you hang behind?
Look at yourself, look in the mirror, don’t you see a lie?
That you tell yourself again a thousand times
And the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry
You want to die? No?
-Embarrassing favorite song from the All-American Rejects: The Poison from Tim Burton’s Almost Alice