that time I got a new DSM diagnosis and needed to go back to Wonderland

The DSM is a book made for insurance companies. And not even really that because half the conditions in it aren’t even covered by most health insurance companies (i.e. dissociative disorders and personality disorders). It’s just a stupid book that if you read it, you will find yourself relating to every disorder listed. Don’t look through it. You’ll diagnosis yourself with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopathy and psychopathy).

Anyway, where was I going with this? Right. Psychiatrists. For the past year or so I’ve had the same DSM codes listed on my record and there’s always only 2: one of general anxiety disorder and one for some kind of “persistent dysthymia.” But my last visit to my psychiatrist resulted in me walking out with THREE codes. Curiosity killing me, I obviously googled the unrecognizable code and guess what he diagnosed me with.

Alcohol dependence.

Okay, so hold up. Yeah I have a problem with alcohol, I completely admit to that, but dependence??? In that case, every person who works in food service has alcohol dependence. And I know exactly why he gave me this diagnosis. He asked me if it was possible for me to stop drinking completely, to which I responded “yeah, I could, but I like looking forward to a glass of wine or a beer after a long day.” Apparently this is dependence. Granted, I’m nursing a hangover today. I guess maybe this is spiraling out of control a bit as much as I really don’t want it to. The problem? I don’t fix myself until something drastic happens. Everyone’s telling me to slow my roll and I keep telling myself to slow my roll because I don’t even like myself when I’m drunk.. let alone when I’m sober. Drunk me is (see a previous post) Alice-Emily and ultimately explosive and unattractive.

While we’re on the topic of Alice.. check this out.

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The extension of my Alice in Wonderland sleeve! Let me explain a bit. So there’s this video game, Alice Madness Returns, that’s loosely based on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland movie. Remember that one? The trippy one that had nothing to do with the original Disney movie or the book but I’m still sure that Lewis Carroll would have appreciated it? Yeah that one. In the game, there’s the normal Alice (who’s tattooed on the other side of my arm)

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Super old picture from when I first had this done, but there’s my other Alice! The good Alice. The sane Alice. That’s the me Alice. This other Alice? That’s the Hysteria Alice. Out of control, relentless, powerful, and ultimately destructive. That’s the Alice me that happens when I drink, or when I’m feeling particularly manic and get out of control in that Alice type of way. In the game, when you’re low in power, you can convert to Hysteria mode that causes more destruction to your enemies but doesn’t give you the same rewards for defeating them. This totally doesn’t make sense, does it? Let me break this down a little more.

I always identify with the good Alice. I long for Wonderland, for peace, tranquility, but while maintaining her power. This other Alice, the Alice that I used to “transition” into is the Alice that is the Hysteria Alice. Make more sense now? Hysteria Alice is the one who comes in for the kill. There will always be a part of me that is this Alice, and that’s okay. I acknowledge her. We’ll find peace someday. Hysteria Alice says DRINK ME.

I just have to learn not to get so low in power that I have to convert to drinking, to hysteria.

How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate your condition is not permanent. You’re lucky, too. Red eyes suit so few.
-Cheshire Cat, Alice Madness Returns

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