that time I decided to embrace being antisocial

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, and the inevitable end is nye, no one comes out without some battle scars. If you’ve gotten out of a relationship and there’s no hurt on either end, you are lying to yourself or both of you are actually sociopaths. But I don’t think that sociopaths really like to date each other. Real sociopaths anyway. Some of us don’t feel as much as others, but that doesn’t make us sociopaths.

Me? I feel everything to the point that I feel nothing.

Sometimes things just end in a “….” and you don’t know what to do except to let that keep going until there’s finally a “.” Sometimes you run out of things to talk about. Sometimes you look at the person and feel nothing for them. You feel nothing, you can’t tell if they feel anything, and the conversation ends in “see you sometime.” Looking at them makes you feel emotionally exhausted. Things aren’t done, you don’t know what you’re feeling or what to do or even know if it’s worth doing anything. Doing the “official” break up hurts because it’s like a bandaid that you rip off. Letting things trail off is like slowly pulling back the bandaid. But you just want to avoid that stabbing pain. So the conversation ends, you walk away to your car, and drive away right as Adam’s Song by Blink 182 comes on the radio. You feel sad, but you can’t feel sad. You feel numb. Stuck. You want to cry but you’re tired of crying. You want to go home and consume every ounce of liquor in your house but you’re trying to get sober. And then you’re stuck.

You get home, eat food that you don’t really want, decide that getting high is a better option than drinking your life away, and then lie in bed staring at the ceiling feeling nothing and everything at the same time. It’s still daylight. There are friends you could see that you’ve put off seeing. There’s homework you could do, art you could make, video games you could play to put your mind somewhere outside of itself. You could play with your hula hoop that you’ve been obsessive about for the past month. But you’re tired. So you scroll through Facebook, Instagram, old text messages. After feeling so high for so long, your brain stops firing and you’re back to square one.

Anhedonia. The worst of the low feelings. So low you don’t have the capacity to feel anything, even sad or depressed. It’s a dark closet you’ve been locked in and you don’t know how to pick the lock and you’re too tired to kick down the door.

And then you start to think. You don’t know if you ever want to be with anyone anymore. You also start to realize that despite a drastic life change called the “geographic cure,” your problems will follow you. You can run away from your life, but you can’t run away from yourself.

You realize that you didn’t know you were losing him until he was too far gone. This is the story of another failed attempt.

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

 

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