that time I prevented myself from graduating

It’s finally here. Spring! Spring means flowers and warm weather and me being FURIOUSLY HAPPY and manic because of all the sunshine and warmth. It’s ridiculous what a little sun can do for a person’s mood. Spring also means May. May also means college graduation. I submitted my application for graduation this semester and I was waiting to hear back and was so excited to FINALLY be done with school and then….

I dropped a class while having a panic attack. While in said class.

My hands are still shaking and I’m still using a paper bag so that I can breathe.

So, I’m not graduating now. That light of freedom that I saw at the end of this long tunnel called college is now actually just a train. *insert gif of a person getting hit by a train* That’s how it feels. Maybe more like a punch in the stomach, realistically because I’m not going to actually die or step in front of a moving train. Who does that anyway? I guess people who really want to die. As much as I feel like I died a little, I’m not in the hospital again and gasping for life.

Anyway, I know it was for the best. I was starting to lose my mind this semester. I was getting so stressed out that I was beginning to lose myself in the stack of books and notes and being at my computer for 10 hours at a time (not that I’m not at a computer now, this is more cathartic than studying, obviously). Ironically, the class I dropped was called “The Psychology of Motivation.” Yeah, I was motivated to graduate. Not fail 3 exams and then not be able to graduate because of that. In the end, I think I’m better off knowing that I’m not graduating instead of being faced with the disappointment of being so close and then failing a class.

It’s ok though, I’m trying to tell myself. I can take the class during the summer session and everything will be fine. I can still make it to Colorado in September. At this point, I will do almost anything just to make it to my goal: move away to my happy place. University is not my happy place. They’ve trapped me here and I don’t even feel like a person. More like a drone just doing what college kids are supposed to be doing. This is not living, this is hell. I’d rather stand in the TSA line in the Denver airport again. That was less nerve-racking than studying for exams.

All I can tell myself now is what a very wise hobbit once said..

“Still round the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

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