that time Scrubs defied my expectations of hospitals

You have no idea how long it took for me to come up with that title. Okay, it took me the 36 hours I spent in the hospital to come up with it. My back up title was “that time everyone thought I was dead.” Both are true though. Blob’s phone was apparently blowing up with texts from my coworkers asking if I was okay*

I guess this trip to the hospital should have been my “wake up call” or when I finally got an epiphany and decided to change my life. Stop drinking, be happy, appreciate how precious life is and all that bullshit that people say they feel after they come close to dying. I don’t know if I almost died or not. I asked but they wouldn’t tell me (seriously, wtf? It would be nice to know how bad my condition is). But I guess when your blood pressure is 78/42 and you have an IV in your arm while drinking charcoal, maybe that’s an indicator of how serious your condition is, but then again it could have also been a precautionary measure or they were blowing it out of proportion or who knows what. Ok I guess you’re wondering what happened. I’m not going to go into complete details for the sake of putting this on the internet where everyone can see this.

After questioning whether or not Alice was still a part of me, and feeling pretty down about losing a part of myself, I sunk back into my depression. More of a bipolar depression. One minute I was fine, and then I fell into a hole of binge drinking to push away the depressive feelings I felt coming on. And then I was fine again. And then Alice put some pills in my hand and I was texting an ex boyfriend telling him what I had just done**.

About 20 minutes later, 2 cops and 6 paramedics were in my living room and I found myself strapped into an ambulance and being forced to drink charcoal. Honestly, I’m glad I was so plastered for that moment because I’m pretty sure charcoal tastes terrible and that getting an IV inserted into your arm is probably pretty unpleasant. I must’ve looked fantastic***I blacked out after that. I guess I fell asleep. And then I woke up at 6am when my blood pressure monitor started blaring because my blood pressure had dropped to 78/42. If you don’t know what that means, my blood pressure (which is typically on the lower side) jumped back to a healthy 110/70something today.

But ok seriously, every medical show has defied every expectation of hospitals. Except for stereotypes. Those are totally real. Doctors never go see their patients. No one is actually friendly. The scrubs they give you to wear are meant for a 600 pound man and they’re made out of paper. That token black nurse with a prayer book is actually a terrible person and likes to threaten you with God and yells at you when you don’t make eye contact with her (seriously, just like Laverne from Scrubs but awful). And if you’re there for an overdose, no one treats you like you’re human or actually cares that you’re there or that you’re vegan and hungry so they give you bacon egg and cheese, and tuna fish sandwiches for meals. Hospital food is the devil on a plate. But desperate times come for desperate measures when the only thing in your stomach is water and charcoal and none of the doctors actually care that even got food in the first place.****

And going off that rant of vegan food, I was beginning to doubt being vegan. Did I really want to do this? I wanted to eat meat and cheese to spite all the vegans that make me hate being vegan. You’re still here, Alice, you’re doing this to me. I can’t even be mad honestly just because it’s a sign that she’s still there. Just please stop letting me do that, Alice. It’s time for a vegan detox.

Anyway. I know that I’m not better. I know that whatever I did was not a smart decision and I know that I want to keep living without being attached to wires. I know I need to take a break from drinking. I know a lot of things now. I haven’t made any decisions except to not drink this week due to doctor’s orders. I know I shouldn’t do any exercise or heavy lifting for a week (so long, gym body for a week). I know my short-term memory is shot. I know that I need to change some things in my life.

I also know that I, Emily, am very comfortable coming home after a long couple days and changing into sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt.

*Thank you everyone, even if you don’t read this. And thank you, Blob, for bringing me super healthy vegan food today after you knew that I ate gross hospital not-vegan food. And for having to talk to my mom via text. I’m so sorry. Lastly… thank you Mike for calling 911. I might not be writing this post if you hadn’t.

**This was not suicide and I was evaluated by a psych person at the hospital to make sure I was ok.

***Blob said I looked “fantastic”…sarcastically. I was covered in charcoal and a drunken mess. Go me for being that drunk bitch in an emergency room.

****the vegan police are most definitely after me now, and I’m going to retire into eating nothing but kale, tofu and pumpkin seeds for the next month.


One thought on “that time Scrubs defied my expectations of hospitals

  1. I’m so so glad you came out the other end of that E^2.
    I’ll help you fight the vegan police if you want. (Hospital food can go to hell and so can that nurse. What a horrible b****.)


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