that time I realized I believed in nothing

Writing is hard. Like, I’ll be in class or at the gym or just somewhere where I don’t have a chance to write anything down and I’ll come up with this fantastic idea or a really good sentence and I’m like “I NEED TO BLOG NOW” so I’ll keep it in the back of my mind as this awesome idea and then I sit down to write and I’m like, “what point was I trying to make?” I came up with this title while doing crunches to “Ex’s and Oh’s” by Elle King* but honestly I don’t really know what I’m going to write about. So, for every sentence I crank out, I get 3 gulps of wine**

My usual random manic thoughts have been exhausted as of two days ago. I think I might be able to stay on topic for once in this but if I keep drinking then maybe it’ll happen. Maybe. That’s really what keeps you guys coming back, right? Well-hold on I need to finish a glass of wine-the few of you that have been reading my blog***

This post was really initiated by me thinking back on a conversation I had with some coworkers a couple weeks ago. For some reason (again, shot short term memory) we were talking about “what we believe in” and the majority of my coworkers said that what they believe in most is being vegan, to which I replied “is it bad that I believe in the cat-pocalypse more than being vegan?” and they said yes. Do I really believe in eating vegan or is just a default for me by now? Sure, I definitely support anti-cruelty because I love animals and eating vegan because it’s more environmentally friendly, but is it something I really “believe” in? I know that as much as I love animals, there is meat that is cruelty free and more environmentally friendly, such as lamb (thank you for that factoid, Blob).

So, as I said in my subnote (if you guys actually read my subnotes, which you should because they’re important I promise, even though I don’t know why I don’t just put the subnotes into the main text), the wine is starting to work and I think I can write now. This is such a forced post that I’m actually pained by rereading what I wrote. Let’s talk about my mental shit now and what I do and don’t believe in. But let’s start with what I don’t believe in because if you looked at the title, you’d know that I don’t think I believe in anything, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Things I don’t believe in:
-Christianity (sorry, but that had to be the first one. I probably offended a lot of people, but I just don’t believe in some dude that rules the whole universe. Believe what you want though guys)
-the paleo diet (unless done the way cavemen ACTUALLY ate)
-the raw vegan diet
-Donald Trump
-raves being a “spiritual awakening” (party on, guys, but that just sounds like a set-up for my social anxiety and I’m pretty sure that acid and X don’t open your eyes to anything. Not gonna hate on you guys or anything, do what you like, but I like my spinal fluid to stay clean and I don’t need drugs to hear voices or feel disassociated****)
-healing crystals (despite that I carry them with me everywhere praying that they’ll help)
-photos eating your soul (except for selfie spams)
-PETA (I fully support their cause, but they hate pitbulls so I can’t get behind it. Also, “pitbull” isn’t a word? I blame PETA for that. More reason to not believe in them)
-bachelor’s degrees (probably because I have the worst senioritis this semester. Senioritis isn’t a word either apparently. But seriously, college is close to useless because I really don’t feel like I need to know about the psychology of motivation or learn how to speak French just because UMBC said I needed to. “That time I didn’t want my bachelors degree.” There’s a whole post right there where I can rant. Again, senioritis)
-psychotropic medications (having gone through over 10 or 20 different medications throughout my life, the only thing that’s helped me is Klonopin because it affects your brain in the same way that alcohol does. Actual science there******)
-the church of the flying spaghetti monster (sorry Mr. Tinder Date and Drew)
-the zombie apocalypse (but I still wish it would happen)
-cats taking over the world (this might go on both lists)
-that everyone should be vegan (I’m not sorry for that statement. It doesn’t work for everyone, just like any other diet. Example: I have a coworker with Crohn’s disease and the completely vegan diet just doesn’t work for her. That’s completely fair, I think. I’ll rant about veganism more another time)
-monogamous relationships in your 20’s (I think I lost some readers there)
-crossfit (not sorry, Blob)
-condoms
-the vegan egg tasting like real eggs or “chicken” tasting like chicken
-any type of afterlife
-chi and the yin and yang

I could rant probably list about 100 things I don’t believe in, but I guess that gets away from the point of this post. I know that I don’t believe in a lot, but let’s see if I do believe in anything at all… here’s the list of the things that I think I believe in…..

…give me a minute to think of something…

-global warming
-pitbulls are the sweetest dogs ever
-animals can sense feelings (story time: while I was bawling my eyes out on Valentine’s Day, my psychopath cat, Dexter, jumped up next to me and cuddled with me while I cried. Cats cure sadness which leads to…)
-owning pets improves your mood
-herbal medicine (if you’re ever constipated, Smooth Move tea from Traditional Medicinals is magic. It’s got senna and ginger and some other herbs in it that are known to “clean you out” Skip the laxatives. That shit works. No pun intended. Again, thank you Blob for your recommendation on natural laxatives. Also, dandelion. My face has never been so broken out but I know it’s because it’s “cleansing” me of my alcohol consumption. That was pretty TMI but then again, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to read my blog.)
-rats and mice are the cleanest mammals
-music can change your mood or your life (“Spirits” by the Strumbellas. Changed my mood for a day or two when I was feeling more depressed than usual)
-being furiously happy (thank you, Jenny Lawson)
-when your contacts go in with no problem, and you take a good poop in the morning, it’ll be a good day. No subnote needed.
-Platform 9 3/4
-Cows do produce a catastrophic amount of methane (aka cow farts)
-yoga (but not hot yoga)

this blog has gotten way too long. I’m already at 1500 words and I haven’t proven any type of point, but at least I wrote today. I legitimately could write forever. Why can’t I just make money doing that?!?! Oh. Right. I need more readers. And an editor.

Case in point, honestly, I guess I do believe in a few things. But I guess “believing in” something is a really broad subject that I would have to devote an entire blog to which I really don’t want to do because that just sounds boring. Who wants to read an entire blog about my belief in cats taking over the world? Ok maybe a few crazy cat ladies/men out there, but they probably already read my blog anyway (maybe) so there’d be no point. I’ll wrap this up with a quote like last time. Partly because I’ve seen the movie this is brought up in twice in the past week (brownie points to those who know it), and partly because it’s one of my favorites

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d

*Elle King is a goddess. She’s basically my backup Amy Winehouse. Minus the drugs. And the whole dying thing. RIP Amy.

**Ok not really. I just happen to be drinking wine to make me come down from the insane amount of caffeine I had earlier. Weirdly enough, I’m still exhausted. I’ve been exhausted all weekend after my episode on Friday night (see previous post). So maybe wine will give me some drinkspiration. YES SPELL CHECK THAT IS A WORD BECAUSE I JUST COINED IT. I like it. I should use that word more BECAUSE IT IS A WORD.

***Thank you by the way. My last post got a lot of attention from the people around me and I want to bake all of you cookies and have a jumping hug. Unless that’s too cheesy, but I’ve always wanted to have one of those. You guys are the best. Minus you, Blob, who I had to read my post to because he said he hadn’t read it. You’re the worst. And won’t engage in a jumping hug or let me bake you cookies. Wait, have I ever baked you cookies? I’ll get on that. Can I bribe you? What if I could bribe the whole world with baking cookies just to read my blog? Damn, I’d have a lot of followers (the wine is working).

****I’m not anti-drug. When marijuana started to become legal in some of the states I was pretty fuckin happy about it because marijuana really is the safest drug. There’s science behind it, somewhere. But I do know that marijuana is better for you than alcohol, let’s be real here. I don’t take drugs (and I’m not just saying that because this is a public blog), but I’m pro-legalization (maybe I do believe in something) because I think it’s dumb that alcohol is legal and marijuana isn’t. But I could write an entire post on that so I’ll stop here.

******Klonopin, xanax and other drugs in that class (benzodiazepines) work on the same neurotransmitters in your brain as alcohol. Benzos are actually a very common drug used in alcohol rehab facilities to prevent withdrawal symptoms, such as seizures. However, they are equally addicting so it’s a catch 22.

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