that time my cat decided to sit on my head while I was kidnapping him

So, it’s valentine’s day. Or, as I mentioned in my previous post, “Single’s Awareness Day” (Thank you, big sis). So instead I have a bottle of really cute prosecco that I totally bought because the bottle was cute (who can resist a good label on a wine bottle? It has “I love you” in like, 15 different languages all over it with little cartoon people holding hands and heart shaped balloons), my cat, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, my new vegan Ben and Jerrys, and maybe I’ll just wear my sexy Victoria’s Secret teddy BECAUSE I CAN. It’s not like I’m getting laid or anything but there’s nothing wrong with owning completely useless lingerie.*

On a more serious note, Valentine’s Day is pretty lame. As Joel in Eternal Sunshine says (the Jim Carrey character, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about and you’re single on this day, then grab your bottle of red wine or whatever it is that you have and watch it because it’s totally a depressing Valentine’s Day movie for single people. But we’ll pretend that the entire world has seen it anyway), “Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.” Yeah, this is pretty true. Restaurants, greeting card companies, even fucking GIANT and every major grocery store commercializes Valentine’s Day in such a way that it’s like HEY SHARE THIS DAY WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM THIS USELESS TEDDY BEAR THAT SAYS “LOVE ME” OR SINGS SOME STUPID SONG AND THESE FLOWERS THAT ARE UNNATURALLY BRIGHT PINK. Nothing says “I love you” like a giant teddy bear. Except that that is kind of true because I have one and it’s the most cuddly thing ever. Besides my cat.** But anyway, Valentine’s Day, to me, is more of a reminder that humans are capable or even experiencing such a strong emotion. I mean, dolphins are one of the only other mammals that have sex for fun (how does that even work? I’ve watched dolphins at the aquarium and it literally makes no sense to me and it’s also all I can think about when I see them ever since I learned that. Dolphin sex. Think about that for a second.), so it’s amazing that as a species, we can are capable of having this strong feeling of “love,” as well as “hate” and everything in between. Sure, some of the “love” we feel is not real attachment as much as passion, but attraction is a strong emotion as well. The brain is really weird sometimes. Like you know how when you meet someone you like for the first time and it’s like fireworks are going off in your head and there’s little kittens in can-can skirts dancing around and there’s literally sparkles coming out of the other person’s eyes and you’re pretty sure that the sun is actually shining out of their ass? That feeling. Initial attraction (I still don’t understand the “sun shining out of their ass” part but I know it’s a phrase I’ve heard before. It anatomically makes no sense, just saying). To an extent, I believe that to be some sort of “love.” And even if you just have a too many cocktails together, have really weird sex (but really really GOOD sex) and have to leave at 3am because you’re having a panic attack, that first attraction felt amazing didn’t it?***

Oh, but you’re probably wondering about the title of this post as I have not addressed it at all and I’m already 700 words into this post. There’s not much to that story as much as that is what happened to me today when I picked up my cat from my mom’s house and he decided that the headrest on my seat was more comfortable than sitting in a real seat. I love him, but seriously, Dexter Morgan, will I wake up wrapped in plastic wrap tomorrow morning? Please don’t kill me. I love you.****

Ok, I guess I should engage in Valentine’s Day shenanigans with the boyfriend even though I have reminded him three times today (not that I’m counting) that today is Valentine’s Day. At least I have my 2 boyfriends named Ben and Jerry for later.

*ok, I’m not really single. My boyfriend is here cooking me dinner. But he’s leaving in a couple hours because he’s that weird idiot that wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and goes to bed at 9pm like an old person. Ok, I’m joking. Except not. He’s totally an old person. Love you babe. You probably won’t read this anyway even though you’re 3 feet away from me right now. Or maybe you will. And then I’m sorry. Thanks for making me dinner.

**He’s not really that cuddly. He totally could be because he has the fuzziest belly and he’s so cute but instead he likes to sit in the corner and stare at me and sometimes groom my head with his rough cat tongue. I find this quite affectionate. Unless it’s 5am and it’s a “FEED ME NOW HUMAN” reminder that my alarm is going off.

***that’s a true story. No details necessary. Why did I do this sub note anyway?

**** a love of cats is the most real love there is and I’m not even a crazy cat lady. Not really. I only have one.


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