That time my therapist told me I should be a dominatrix

Okay I guess that was a bit of a drastic start to a blog. But actually my therapist told me that last week. I don’t remember what we were talking about but I remember walking out of the session thinking “hey, that’d be an awesome book title” and “maybe I should do that, wait, does that mean I have to wear fishnets and ballgag strangers? Hm. That could pay well and then I wouldn’t have to finish this semester of college. Wait. That’s actually a terrible idea.. or maybe..” That’s kind of how my mind works. Manic, but more or less logical. Eventually. After I think about it too hard for longer than one would expect. Like seriously contemplating becoming a dominatrix. (What exactly does that involve anyway? Never mind. I don’t think I want to know. Except I do. ANYWAY.)

So I guess this is the blog post where I tell you about ME and MY life and blah blah.. Okay I really wanna talk about it so that you know what you’re getting into before you read further (have I lost you yet? I don’t blame you. It gets worse). Let’s start with the positives to get this off on a good foot (do people have feet where one is better than another? I think I do. I can’t ever balance on my left foot because I almost fell over sideways at work while leaning left.) So I’m a college senior majoring in psychology. I have a pet rat named Zeke who I will probably talk about a lot because I love rats (my other rat recently died and I spent one morning looking up local taxidermy services to get him stuffed, but after being frozen in the snow, he thawed out and started rotting. So my mother told me. This paragraph was supposed to be happy, but again, my brain is like this all the time. Deal with it. You can still stop reading whenever you want.) I do photography and painting and I read a lot, and I talk about Scrubs a lot because it’s always relevant to my life. (Seriously though, Scrubs is the best. I just recently jumped on this bandwagon.) I’m vegan (obligatory snooty vegan comment), but the vegan police are after me because I can’t lie and say that good sushi is the most amazing thing ever (please don’t report me). I like making fun of vegans too. And paleo people. And gluten-free people. And crossfit people. (if you don’t know what crossfit is, find someone who does crossfit and just say “So you do crossfit?” and you’ll see what I mean). Ok I like making fun of people’s personal lifestyle choices. But just the extreme ones. This paragraph is really hard actually. I like shoes a lot, and Kat Von D lipstick (seriously though, that stuff stays on FOREVER). And I love neuroscience. I’m not good at it or anything but it’s just really fascinating studying that stuff and whenever you say something like “oh, schizophrenia? Well there’s a lot of research about it but a lot of researchers link it to an excess of dopamine that can be treated with antipsychotics that stop the dopamine receptors in your brain from receiving the neurotransmitters that cause psychotic episodes. This usually takes place in the prefrontal cortex and research shows the basal ganglia has been commonly linked to schizophrenia” And then you sound REALLY SMART. Even if what you said is complete b.s. (That schizophrenia thing is actually true though. Thanks, college.) Oh, and I love cats.

So what this blog is really about, or mostly, is mental illness. Over the course of my 10 years in therapy, I’ve been diagnosed or believed to have depression, OCD, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, anorexia, and depersonalization disorder. After having so many labels slapped on me, I realized that these labels mean nothing and I’ve diagnosed myself with “Emily.” Common symptoms of “Emily” include neuroticism, OCD-esque behavior, and hypomania followed by depression and anxiety that’s treated with $5 red wine. That’s ok. I can live with that.

Everyday is a struggle. I wake up at 8am every morning with the attitude of I’M GOING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE TODAY and then I realize that I still haven’t even made my coffee and then I fall back asleep for another hour because I’m unmotivated to go make my motivation beverage. At the end of the day I look back at my day and think, “god, today was shitty. I cracked my iPhone 6s screen and apparently my IUD might be dislodged” (that was today) and then I take my crazy pills and realize that these are such first-world problems that I can very easily get fixed tomorrow. So what gets me through? Knowing what I have control over. I know that a dislodged IUD can be fixed on Tuesday when I go see my gynecologist and the crack on my iPhone isn’t even that bad. Instead, I’m focusing on Sunday (Valentine’s Day, or as my older sister fondly renamed “Singles’ Awareness Day. My sister is awesome by the way. She’ll probably come up more later. She lives in the middle of nowhere Montana) when I get to pick my cat up from my mom’s house for a few days, and treat myself to a bottle of prosecco, some shitty Chinese take out, and Netflix. Relationship status: In a Relationship with Emily. I think “date yourself” is some of the best advice my therapist has ever given me (she’ll come up a lot too because she’s awesome and so incredibly quotable. Maybe I should rename this blog “Shit my therapist says.” Nah, that’d be harsh, but also pretty accurate, I mean, who says “you should just be a dominatrix! You’d make BANK”?)(Maybe I should be a dominatrix though. I don’t actually have to have sex with people. Hm. The start-up sounds expensive with all those toys and outfits. Thoughts for later).

Did I get you hooked yet? Probably not. That’s ok. This is a blog about mental illness and being a hermit. Who wants to read about that? Jenny Lawson probably. I want to Skype with her and then flake at last minute because we’d both have a mutual understanding of why that’s a bad idea. But she did teach me to be furiously happy. And with that, I can start to be a wallflower waterfall.

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